The Clock Strikes Nun Read online

  “Are you sure you didn’t know?” Jasper opened a fresh Dr. Pepper. “Maybe you’re discovering talents you never knew you had. Ever think of dropping the detective business and working for us?”

  “I think I’m okay with being the Missing Persons Whisperer. Someone has to do the legwork.”

  Rowan said, “Write this down.” When Giulia’s pen touched the legal pad she’d brought, Rowan dictated: “See how Jasper kept everything unspecific? Blue, the ocean, complementary colors, buzzwords like depths and dancing and auras. That kind of reading can be massaged to apply to anyone.”

  Jasper swallowed more Dr. Pepper and hiccupped. “Many of our clients come here knowing the answers to their questions but haven’t admitted it to themselves. Take the office worker looking for romance. The reading I just gave would augment her inner confidence to attract the type of man she’s looking for.”

  Rowan added, “About hauntings. Often something attaches to the person themselves, not the house or wherever they’ve been seeing things. Nonverbal cues are your best friends.”

  “You have lots of information about your new client,” Jasper said. “If you see an opening for a reading like the one I just gave this hypothetical divorcée, you’ll find the right bits and pieces to make the reading seem authentic.”

  Giulia’s voice filled with frustration. “It will all be a pack of lies.”

  “It will not, I’m not clairvoyant, but my readings sometimes give clients the impression I am. In your case, readings will be another method for you to extract necessary information. Or a way to give a client what they need without you revealing all your cards. No pun intended.” Rowan gestured with the second filled croissant and dusted the Tarot cards with powdered sugar. “Banana peels.”

  Jasper picked up the top card on each stack and blew the sugar into the empty bakery bag.

  Rowan said through a bite of pastry, “Jasper, I don’t think her skills lie in clairvoyance.”

  He set down the bag and stared through Giulia. Rowan interrupted her monologue to do the same. Giulia refused to succumb to the urge to duck under the tablecloth.

  “You’re right,” Jasper said.

  “My name’s on the door. I’d better be right. Giulia, did everyone treat you as their personal advice column back when you were a nun?”

  She glanced from Rowan to Jasper. “All the time.”

  He grinned “I have skills. Here’s your first homework assignment, which shouldn’t be difficult since you’re used to Catholic meditation: find a quiet space and practice opening your Sight.”

  Giulia’s forehead wrinkled. “You said ‘sight’ with a capital S.”

  “I did. Let us know what happens.”

  Rowan took charge again. “It’s time to finish today’s lesson.”

  Rowan walked Giulia through the Celtic cross layout and the traditional order of reading the chosen cards.

  “It’s all about interpretation. You use your knowledge of each card plus the client’s question or situation plus the rest of the cards. You read each card individually as you build a complete picture of the reading as a whole using all the cards.” She peered at Giulia’s notes. “It’s a good thing you write fast.”

  “Years of practice.” Giulia finished a sentence. “Speaking of said client, she owns a Ouija board. It may be my ingrained Catholic upbringing, but I have a bad feeling about using one.”

  “You should,” Jasper said.

  Rowan said. “I never touch them. Too many rules to follow. Miss one and the nasties are there to pounce.”

  “Nasties?”

  When Rowan scowled, her face morphed into a walnut. “You’re Catholic. Don’t be dense.”

  “Always listen to those gut feelings,” Jasper said, “whether you’re using the cards or your mind to work with a client.”

  Rowan stabbed her index finger on Giulia’s notebook. “Your client will respect you more if you don’t cater to her every whim. Stand firm.”

  “What she said.”

  Giulia wrote a check for the session as Rowan showed her how to cleanse a deck. Then she handed her the used Rider-Waite set.

  “These are yours now. Work with them until they feel comfortable in your hands.”

  Jasper wrote his phone number at the bottom of Giulia’s notes. “This is my cell. We’re here any time you need to consult us. You’re not limited to business hours.”

  As they walked Giulia to the door, Rowan said, “One more thing: If the client chooses lots of major arcana cards, I tell them ‘It’s going to be a bumpy ride.’ If they draw the death card, I tell them in three different ways how death means a new beginning. It doesn’t mean the Grim Reaper will be waiting in their car.”

  Jasper tossed the empty cups and used napkins. “We got hired for a charity Halloween event a few years back and some moron dressed as Death really did that. Overheard Rowan’s reading and hid in the guy’s car.”

  Giulia made an apprehensive face. “Should I laugh?”

  “Yeah, because it turned out all right. The guy had a license to carry and pulled his gun on Death. The prankster paid to have the guy’s interior cleaned. Who knew Death had a loose sphincter?”

  Seven

  “Guys,” Giulia said after everyone had dealt with the morning emails, “before you comment, I want you to listen all the way to the end.”

  Zane’s voice lurched. “We’re broke?”

  Sidney said, “You’re carrying triplets?”

  Zane’s eyes narrowed. “You agreed to hunt ghosts for the cash-only client.”

  “As if,” from Sidney.

  “Yes,” Giulia said.

  Traffic noise filled the moment of silence.

  “Sidney, your head is not going to explode,” Giulia said.

  Sidney pounded her forehead on her desk. “Yes, it is. What is this business coming to?”

  “You said it: it’s a business. Elaine’s housekeeper visited me last night.”

  “Circling the wagons?”

  Giulia stared at her Christmas Elf assistant. “Since when do you watch ESPN?”

  “Jessamine loves sports. The crowd noise puts her to sleep almost as quickly as a lullaby. Besides, everybody knows Chris Berman’s signature phrase about the Buffalo Bills.” She cocked her head at Giulia. “Did you forget my NCAA swimming career? Baby Brain really has taken hold.”

  Giulia attempted dignity. “I had not, thank you, but the exact same phrase popped into my head when Cissy Newton arrived. Elaine inspires fierce loyalty.”

  “I don’t see it,” Zane said.

  “The protective instinct,” Giulia said.

  “Come on. Helpless females went out of style with corsets and high-button shoes.” He caught Giulia’s pointed expression. “Oh. Right. Ms. Steampunk.”

  “Also known as our client. Besides, Elaine has a dreadful history.” Giulia gave them the high points of the double murder and its aftermath.

  “Why on earth did her guardians stop the psychiatrist visits?” Sidney said.

  “Not sure. Something Muriel said made me wonder if Elaine acted like the perfect little girl to fool the psychiatrist into thinking she was all better.”

  Sidney’s long hair whipped around her face as she shook her head. “Incompetence. Olivier would never be fooled by an acting job of mental health.”

  “Your husband is a treasure to us, the police department, and most of all to you and Jess.”

  “But not the alpacas.” Sidney opened her phone. “He doesn’t know I took this one.” In the picture, a green glob of regurgitated alpaca stomach goo dripped down the side of his face.

  “I’ve never seen him look angry before.”

  “Worse, Jessamine thought it was funny and he had to pretend to laugh with her. I would’ve videoed it if I wasn’t occupied with leading him away from the silly beasts.�
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  “Mongo punch horse.” Zane did a decent Alex Karras impression.

  Giulia picked up a pen from Sidney’s desk. “Once again we’re off track. I may establish a group lunch fund jar. Every time we get sidetracked from a work topic whoever initiated the derail has to donate a dollar.” She wrote the idea on a sticky note. “All right. We’ve established Elaine’s relatives and long-standing employees protect her like she’s a rare china figurine. Cissy Newton requires we indulge Elaine’s ghost obsession. Since I’ve accepted her as a joint client with Muriel, my morning has been spent at the feet of Rowan and Jasper.”

  Sidney’s voice came out quite small. “Learning to do what?”

  “Tarot reading and clairvoyance.” She paused but no further comments emanated from Sidney’s desk. “Part of today will be spent practicing with my new Tarot deck. Tonight I’ll read for Frank, and tomorrow I’ll try readings for both of you.” She didn’t mention her homework assignment from Jasper.

  Zane turned his phone toward Giulia. “Ms. D., you’re going to need these.”

  Giulia and Zane bent their heads over his screen.

  “Zane, if I believed in psychics, I’d think you read my mind.” She opened her own phone and downloaded two apps. “Sidney, those ghost hunters on TV use EMF meters and EVP detectors, right?”

  “I curse the day I told you Olivier likes to watch those shows.”

  Without looking up, Giulia said, “You help even when you don’t think you’re helping. What a team player.”

  “The old Giulia was never sarcastic.”

  The Ghost Radar Legacy app opened as Giulia laughed. “My career is corrupting me.”

  “Me,” said a robotic voice from Giulia’s phone. Everyone jumped.

  “The Electronic Voice Phenomenon recorder works at close range. Let’s try distance.” Giulia pointed her phone at Sidney. “Say something.”

  “There are no such things as ghosts.”

  “Ghosts,” said the mechanical voice.

  Zane downloaded the app. “I’m going to freak out the guys this weekend during our Madden multi-sports gaming tournament.”

  Bouncy video game music blared from Giulia’s phone.

  “Commercials; ugh.” She found the “Remove ads” screen and paid for the full versions of both apps. “Pop-up ads in the middle of a ghost hunt are not professional. I know what else I need. A night vision camera.” She searched. “This one looks good.” She escaped into her office and closed the door, reopening it a minute later. “Very nice. A green glow makes everything look eerie.”

  Sidney maintained an unusual—for her—silence.

  “Let’s check the Electromagnetic Field detector.” Giulia adjusted levels and walked the perimeter of the office. “Spikes at both computers. Also at the light switch. If I’m going to make this new gig believable, I’ll have to find someplace in the castle without obvious electric hookups.”

  “Castle?” Sidney said.

  “Elaine, Muriel, and Cissy all called the house a castle. I confess I’m looking forward to seeing it.”

  Zane stopped configuring his Ghost Legacy app. “Call me cynical, but I don’t see that princess running a Fortune 500 company.”

  Giulia tucked her phone into her skirt pocket. “What else have you found out about Dahlia’s finances?”

  “Still working on it. Their IT guy graduated seven years ahead of me at MIT. I’m treating this as a personal challenge.”

  Sidney straightened as though she wore an invisible corset. “Giulia, seriously. If we’re going to become Sleuths to the Spirits for this case, please tell me it’s not a permanent shift.”

  Giulia sat in Sidney’s client chair, arms on a pile of folders. “Seriously here too. Will this be a problem?”

  The door crashed open and a petite woman ran into the room. At eleven o’clock on a Wednesday morning she wore silver flip-flops, black leggings, a white lace broomstick skirt, a tank top covered in black glitter, and miniature white carnations braided into her short black hair.

  “Giulia, my friend, my personal Dear Abby, the only one who holds my hand when I get a new piercing, you have to save my tattooed soul.”

  Eight

  Sidney unfroze first. “Mingmei? What’s all the glitter for?”

  “Tell me I look gorgeous.”

  “You do. You look awesome.”

  The morning barista at the coffee shop below DI ran to Sidney and kissed her. “You’re the sweetest person I know.” She took Giulia by the shoulders. “Well?”

  “You’re beautiful.” After Mingmei kissed her as well, Giulia said, “Why do I have to save your soul? Have you sold it to the gods of glitter?”

  “Because I’m getting married in forty minutes.”

  Giulia was seldom unable to formulate a correct response, but her friend’s announcement achieved it.

  Sidney said, “He stopped waffling after five years?”

  “Five years, four months, and six days, not that I was counting.” The bride opened her black glitter clutch and produced an opened condom wrapper. “I have to take a break from the Pill because of my blood pressure, and I told him we should also take a break from sex. Did he listen? No. He bought these and I bought those suppository things.” She turned her face to the other desk. “Sorry, Zane.”

  He waved away her apology. “The stories I’ve heard in this office have inured me to anything.”

  “Good. We tried it with double insurance last Wednesday.” She flapped the condom wrapper. “Except the seams of this fine product decided to unseam themselves.”

  All three of them grimaced.

  “Don’t make those faces.” Mingmei wiggled her fingers and the diamond on her ring sparkled. “The next day when I opened the fridge to start making supper there was a Garden of Delights bakery box on the top shelf. I opened it because anything from the Garden is worth spoiling supper for. Inside was a cheesecake with this on the top. He popped out from behind the fridge and said it was time for him to man up.”

  Giulia inspected the ring. “Are you pregnant?”

  “Don’t know yet. That’s the fun of it. He gave me the ring on Thursday. On Friday we shopped for wedding clothes and his ring, lined up my friend Maureen to marry us, and got the license.” She clutched Giulia’s hands. “Maureen says her grotto’s ghost is acting up. I told her you could calm it down.”

  “I don’t—”

  “You do too. We’re splurging on a wedding night in the haunted room at Stone’s Throw Bed and Breakfast. The owner has to be your biggest fan.” She affected embarrassment. “When I told her I’ve known you forever and we used to work at the same coffee shop, she gave me a discount. Then Maureen told me her pet ghost has been making all kinds of trouble ever since she upgraded her video equipment. I told her about your new skills. She says your reputation in the spirit world plus your extra Catholic mojo will scare the bejesus out of her ghost.” She pulled Giulia out of the chair. “Please please please, darling Giulia, make my wedding a success.”

  Sidney poked Giulia. “Get out of here.”

  Giulia had no time to wonder if Sidney was indulging Mingmei or had accepted DI’s new enterprise. She followed Mingmei downstairs to a lime green VW Beetle. Thanks to Mingmei driving at a steady twenty miles over the speed limit, they arrived at Reverend Maureen’s Grotto in nine minutes instead of the legal fifteen.

  A near-perfect replica of an Irish cottage nestled amid maples and chestnuts a hundred feet back from the suburban street. Rosebushes surrounded one story of ivy-covered stone walls, slate roof, green door, and matching shutters.

  The front door opened as they walked up the cobblestone path. A fluffy calico cat sauntered past them without acknowledging their existence. The statuesque silver-haired woman at the threshold made up for the cat’s indifference.

  “Darling!” She swept Mingmei into h
er arms. “Stephan is pacing the grotto and checking his watch at every other step.” She dropped the bride and held out a hand. “You must be Giulia. I’m pleased to meet you. Are you ready to administer some good old-fashioned Catholic discipline to my ghost?”

  Mingmei ran around the house, the iconic noise of her flip-flops echoing off the stone walls. “Stephan! I’ve saved the day!”

  Maureen and Giulia trailed in her wake. “I call it my ghost, but it was here when I bought the land. It likes to make my wind chimes drown out the ceremonies when it’s in a snit. I’ve wondered if it’s a jilted bride or failed musician.”

  The lawn behind the house dipped into a bowl protected by trees with an open grotto of natural stone at the far side. To the right, a pond with a wooden bridge arching over it led to the center of the grotto where white flower lights twinkled. To the left, a knee-high waterfall cascaded over stones accented by flowering stonecrop and sedum. A breeze touched three sets of wind chimes—high and tinkling, sweet notes in the middle range, and deep pipes resembling a church organ.

  Giulia took in the layout, the lights, the water, the wind. A spur-of-the-moment wedding wasn’t the place she would’ve chosen for the test run of Driscoll Investigations: Ghost Tamers. But like her first day of teaching in a Catholic high school with only six weeks of Methods classes under her veil, she alone held the power to flop or triumph.

  She channeled Sister Mary Regina Coelis, who had indeed triumphed all those years ago, and said to Maureen, “You’re on a tight schedule?”

  Mingmei’s friend adjusted her posture. “Yes, Sis—Giulia.” She cleared her throat. “Mingmei and Stephan’s wedding at noon, another wedding at one thirty, and a midsummer ritual at dusk. The ritual requires a complete change of decoration plus a cleansing.”

  Giulia made a note to have Rowan check her aura for lingering elements of the veil and habit. To her own surprise, the mental note didn’t cause her to laugh at herself.

  She gave Maureen a short, sharp nod. “All right. Please take Mingmei and Stephan into the house.”